How to Catch a Star: Pokemon SpecialAdventures
by shadowphantomness
Summary: Championshipping. Lance x Red. Lance is in love with Red, so how is she going to get him? Follow this handy-dandy-step-by-step guide to love, romance, and humor. *Het*


*Cackles* So! Phantomness was asked to do a Pokemon Special-verse Version of 'How to Catch a Star'. Who am I to deny plotbunnies? ^^

This fic was written to celebrate Phantomness's 151-first posted fic! YAY!

**Title: How to Catch a Star: Special Version**

**Disclaimer: Phantomness still does not own pokemon, though it has been two years since she wrote the last installment of this. Maybe someday I'll win the lottery and be able to buy pokemon… **

**Pairing: Championshipping (Lance x Red), also references many, many other pairings mentioned.**

**Notes: for telepathy, ** for some thoughts, **_**italics**_** when pokemon babble on**

**Timeline: Post-book 3 of Pokemon Special/Adventures, Pre-book 4**

**Warnings: Heterosexual, Yellow-bashing **

***Fic dedicated to Darkest Evil since she suggested it*!

* * *

**

_Step 1: First, identify the problem_

Lance sighed as she wrapped his cloak more tightly about her body. It was _cold_ on Cerise Island. In fact, the temperature could be nearing Absolute Zero if not for the lava bubbling beneath the surface. However, the cold wasn't exactly what was bothering her.

"Is something wrong, Lance?" Lorelei asked. "You've been moping for hours. I do realize that the cave atmosphere leaves quite a bit to be desired, but…"

"It's not that, Lorelei."

"Are you sick, then? Maybe you've caught something."

"I don't know…"

Lorelei frowned. Something was wrong, but what? "This isn't like you, Lance. If I didn't know better, I'd say you were… er… never mind."

She blinked. "So you don't think I'm sick?"

"Not really, no… wait a minute. I'll be back."

The Dragon Master shrugged as Lorelei took off into the cavern maze…

* * *

_Step 2: You may need to consult another female to identify the symptoms_

"Are you sure about this, Lorelei?" Agatha frowned.

"Well, unless she's PMSing, which I highly doubt, it's got to be this!"

"But who do you think…?"

"Well, she wasn't stammering and blushing when I talked to her, and I doubt it's you, because of the, er, age difference, and if it isn't me either. Do you think she likes Bruno?"

Agatha gagged. "Oh, I hope not."

Bruno stared dazedly at a wall. He was still under Agatha's mind-control after all.

"We'll need to tell her then."

"Indeed." Lorelei got up. "How do you want to break the news, Agatha?"

"Well…" They headed off to find Lance.

* * *

_Step 3: And the result is… I'm in love?_

"What?" She nearly fell off her perch. "You're saying that I'm in _love_?"

"I can't think of anything else, Lance." Agatha said with a leer. "The evidence points towards the fact that you've fallen in love."

"It makes sense. And we don't think you're PMSing." Lorelei said hopefully. "Are you?"

"Well, no. I'm just kind of… distracted."

"That's love all right!"

* * *

_Step 4: And next, we identify the culprit… er, the crush_

"Now, the question is who." Lorelei smiled. "It's not me, is it? I'd be flattered, really, but I'm not into you, I'm afraid."

Lance laughed. "No, it's not you, Lorelei. So you think I feel … off, as in, I'm acting out of character because I'm in love?"

"Certainly," Agatha coughed. "Er… now, I have nothing against traditional lifestyles, and you'd be good for Bruno, but…"

She broke off, as their Leader turned a virulent shade of blue. "Never mind!"

"Wait, so who _do_ you like? Is it someone we know? Is it Clair, maybe?"

"She is my little cousin, you know," Lance shrugged. "Don't like her in that way."

"Is it Giovanni?"

"Lugia forbid, no!" She gagged. "Where did you get that idea?"

"What about Bill the researcher? I've heard he likes Dragonites."

"Not in this dimension, no, and I don't even _know_ him. If anyone should be with Bill, I would be Bruno, since they fight – or they will, in a few books."

* * *

"Well… are you in love with your Pokemon?" Agatha suggested.

"… My Pokemon," Lance's golden eyes widened to an almost impossible size. "Er… I'm not really into that, either…"

"How about that weird girl that uses dark pokemon we met in Johto?"

"Karen? Sorry, this isn't game-verse."

"Perhaps she's attracted to someone else who has the Viridian Power!" Lorelei snapped her fingers.

Lance was starting to turn blue again. "Lance?"

"Don't mention it…" Lance coughed. "That would be like cradle-robbing… eew… I'm not _that_ much of a pedophile!"

"So…?" Lorelei prompted.

Lance sighed. "You're not going to give me any peace until I tell you, are you?"

Agatha cackled. "I doubt it."

"Fine, I think – mind you, this is only speculation – I have a crush on Red." He _was _a good Trainer, as he had won the Ninth Kanto League Championship.

"Red is cute." Lorelei smiled. "Don't worry about a thing! I'm sure that you'll make a great couple!"

She and Agatha raced off to plot while Lance blinked.

* * *

_Step 5: Don't accept help from the other Elite Four_

Lance choked when Lorelei and Agatha returned in a few hours with Red frozen as an ice statue. "… What's this?"

"Consider it an early birthday present." Agatha said helpfully.

"Agatha! This wasn't what I wanted!"

"Sorry." They said unrepentantly, with sly winks and snickers before they left.

She sighed.

* * *

_Step 6: Defrosting is a good thing. Really._

"Kairyuu, Fire Blast, low temperature…"

Dragonite could not stop his laughter as he blew out a steady stream of flame, watching Red's skin lose its blue tint as the ice slowly defrosted. Lance noted with some unease that one poke ball was missing…

If he only had five, which one had escaped?

Red panicked initially when he found that his eyes couldn't open. "Help!"

"Shh, I'm not trying to hurt you."

"Who are you?"

"A friend," Lance said. That was cryptic enough. Although, 'friend' was relative, considering that _her _friends had just kidnapped him.

"What's wrong with my eyes? Why can't I see?" Red reached for his belt, frowned when he brushed against an empty space. "Pika's missing!"

So he had lost his Pikachu. No matter, he'd be able to find it easily enough. "Don't worry." She carefully eased Red into a sitting position in the cavern.

The black-haired teen frowned. "Why are you helping me?"

"That is for you to discover later. I'll be back. Please just rest now."

Red nodded. He was wobbly, his legs refused to obey him, and he was tired… sleep sounded good, so he closed his eyes…

Never mind the soaked clothing…

* * *

_Step 7: Electric Mice specialize in misunderstandings_

"Pikachu, Megavolt!"

This day, Lance decided, really, really sucked. She had been trying to persuade Pikachu to follow her since she knew where Red was, and then this blonde _kid_ came out and…

She felt Aerodactyl sweep him away, felt them following, but she didn't care…

How on earth did the electric mouse have that type of power? Her eyesight was beginning to blur, and Ptera nearly crashed as they swooped in the cavern.

Red blinked as he watched Lance fall off her Aerodactyl. That had to hurt. "Are you all right?"

* * *

_Step 8: But if you can get your secret love to play nurse and patch you up afterwards…_

Lance blearily blinked at Red, who started to feel her up, trying to find if anything was broken. Luckily, nothing was.

She had to work to keep from smirking as Red finally stilled his motions and realized what he had been doing, er, what it _seemed_ like he had been doing. And the boobs, where had those breasts come from! He wouldn't have touched the older girl otherwise!

"Oh! I'm sorry! I just needed to check if you were all right!"

"I feel dizzy," She murmured, and as Red leaned over to feel her temperature, she 'accidentally' sat up too quickly…

* * *

_Step 9: It's worth it!_

Red colored brightly, eeped, and then shook his head to drive away hormonal thoughts as Lance hid another smile.

* He _is _cute. *

After fifteen minutes, Lance felt the headache ebb away thanks to some discreet Viridian Power and, smiled at him. "I'm fine now. Thank you."

* * *

_Step 10: Unfortunately, interruptions do exist…_

"Pikachu, Thunderbolt!"

"Not again…" Lance barely dodged this strike. The stupid girl and the Pikachu were back…

"Pika!" Red ran to his Pikachu. "You're all right!"

Lance glared at the Pikachu, who glared back.

_From now on, it is war between us! _Pikachu shouted.

"I'll agree to that." Lance smirked. "Jealous much?"

Pikachu hissed and attempted to shock her again.

"Pika! Don't be like that! She saved my life!" He protested. What was wrong with his Pokemon?

Pikachu continued to glare…

* * *

_Step 11: Therefore, eliminate opposition_

"Why don't I show you this lovely spot here?" Lance asked, leading Yellow up to the surface and over the rim of a mountain. She was, however, a problem.

"It is lovely…" The blonde Lolita breathed, looking out over the scenery, into the ocean and the horizon…

One quick shove later, the interruption was gone. Lance smiled and walked down the path from the very much active volcano, whistling the Pokemon League anthem cheerfully. It was quick at least.

* * *

_Step 12: … And now, the subtle approach_

"Red?"

"Um, yes, Lance?" They had eaten dinner alone – Dragonite had flown them to Vermillion, despite Pikachu's protests, and now they were stargazing in a field.

"Aren't the stars beautiful tonight?"

Silver and white glitters spangled across a tapestry of midnight velvet. Red nodded. Like diamonds, almost….

"They're really nice. Um, thanks for dinner." He blushed.

"It's nothing."

"But it is important! You saved me from that ice trap!"

* * *

"Oh! You're still wearing those clothes? Isn't that uncomfortable?" Lance finally noticed his wet state. "That's terrible!"

Red colored. "It-it's nothing!"

"Oh?"

"Yes! I'm fine!" He said much too quickly, as she made a move to remove said garments, Red squeaked. So Lance stopped…

Perhaps this wasn't working too badly after all…

* * *

_Step 13: The slightly less subtle approach is next_

"Do you need help?"

Red, despite his drenched state, managed to shake his head. Lance sighed. It seemed that if she wanted to make her intentions clear, she ought to be a bit more obvious…

Pikachu glared after Lance's retreating figure. _Why can't I fry her yet?_

"Sheesh! Pikachu, she saved my life!"

_And isn't she taking advantage of it._

"Huh?"

_You don't understand what she's doing?_

"She didn't want me to catch a cold so she told me to change, why? And since we're both Trainers, it doesn't matter, right?"

Blue certainly had no problems stripping him down when they had been fighting Team Rocket. She was cute, but she liked Green or something.

_You-!_

Red shrugged as he changed into a clean pair of jeans and a t-shirt. Pikachu only sweat dropped.

* Why is my Trainer so dense? *

* * *

_Step 14: A little nudge in the right direction…_

"Lance, you're taking me out to dinner again? But you just took me two days ago!"

"You don't want to face Agatha's cooking tonight, do you?"

"Er… point taken."

"Dress nice." She said, leaving Red to ponder why.

So he did. He dressed nicely in black slacks and a white shirt, the only nice clothes he had, and then Lance took him out to eat. The food was really, really expensive, but it tasted good….

He didn't bother to ponder the cost though, since Lance paid for both of them. Afterwards, though, he felt slightly dizzy. Hmm… maybe he shouldn't have drunk any of that champagne….

He was feeling hot…

"Lance? I'm dizzy…" He whispered.

Lance smirked inwardly as she gently brushed her lips against Red's. Red's eyes closed and he fell asleep almost instantly afterwards.

* This isn't that hard… *

* * *

_Step 15: And two steps back_

"I'm sorry! I'm sorry! I don't know what was going on! I promise I'll never drink alcohol again!"

Lance tried to stop Red's apologies, but the younger teen was freaking out. This was not good! "I'm not angry-."

"I know! You're disgusted with me, aren't you? I'm so sorry, really!"

This was not good.

Hmm… there had to be some way to fix this…

* * *

_Step 16: The definition of 'help' is relative_

"You should have just taken advantage of him while he was out! You've wasted all our efforts." Lorelei sighed.

"I don't do rape, Lorelei."

"Heavens," She looked affronted. "Still, he wouldn't have known who you were!"

"Does it make any difference?"

"It does if our plan is still going through, doesn't it?"

"Well…"

"See what I mean? You wasted your chance."

Lance left the cavern in disarray, wondering what to do.

* * *

_Step 17: World Domination Plans may hinder your love life, especially if your opposition doesn't stay dead…_

"Pikachu, Megavolt!"

"… My dream…"

Lava is hot.

Now how do I get out of this mess?

Sigh, let's bring up the giant bubble again… and I'll need a few days to plot my next move. Damn you, Yellow!

* * *

_Step 18: However, amnesia is a useful tactic_

"Red?"

"She's awake!" The black-haired boy cheered.

"I don't know why you had to save her, Red." Yellow fumed.

"She didn't kill _you_, did she?" He asked.

"No, but!"

"Besides, you ran off with my Pikachu!"

"Red…" Yellow fumed. "You don't get it at all!"

She did _not _want this other girl around!

* * *

"Lance… I'm glad you're alive." He hugged her.

"Lance? Is that my name?"

"… I think that Megavolt did something to her brains, Red."

"You think?"

"I'm sure." Blue said sarcastically. He looked at Lance, and frowned. What to do now?

* * *

_Step 19: Don't give him any breathing space_

"Lance, I can't breathe!"

Lance glomped onto Red tighter.

Blue and Green exchanged wary looks.

"Mmph!"

"I didn't see anything."

"Neither did I, Blue," Green chuckled. "Shall we leave the two lovebirds alone, now?"

"Yes, let's go." She smiled.

"Lance, let go!"

"You know, Blue, I think there's something Red forgot to tell us."

"Odd, I was just thinking that myself."

"HELP! Ack! Let go of me!"

* * *

_Step 20: Relatives are often no help_

"So let me get this straight. You're pretending to have amnesia?"

Lance nodded.

Her great-grandfather frowned. "He's not a dragon child, Lance."

"Don't tell me you want me to marry Clair to carry on the bloodline." She gagged. "I'm not into that sort of thing."

"It was just… it's for the best, Lance."

"Forget it!"

The Dragon Master left the cave in a huff.

* * *

_Step 21: However, if help comes from an unlikely source…_

_So you're having problems mating him?_

"Not exactly, Kairyuu."

Dragonite huffed. _That's what it seems like._

"… You think that I'll be in a better mood if I get laid?"

_Precisely!_

"You know, I am supposed to have amnesia right now."

_So? You're obviously still attracted to him…_

"Much to Yellow's displeasure," She conceded. "And he _is_ cute."

_It'll work perfectly!_

"… What will?"

_Here!_

Lance stared as Dragonite shoved a paper covered with draconic scribbles into her hand. "What _is_ this?"

* * *

_Step 22: It might actually work!_

"Red!"

"Eek!" Red tried to pry Lance off, but it wasn't quite working. "What are you doing?"

"Red…" Lance did her best imitation of a dreamy, love struck voice, which worked, but sounded plain _odd_ coming from her. "Will you marry me?"

His eyes rolled up in the back of his head and he fainted.

* * *

_Step 23: Then again, it might not…_

"That's the last time I listen to one of your **brilliant **ideas, Dragonite."

_Sorry! I thought… obviously I need some lessons in human courtship._

"You're not the only one…."

* * *

_Step 24: Perhaps a stab at traditional courtship would help_

"So."

"Do you like them?"

"Er… the roses are pretty, and I like chocolates, but why did you get me this?"

"…"

"Thanks anyways, Lance. Want a chocolate, Pika?"

* Argh. The gifts are for you, not the rat! * Lance tried hard not to twitch as Pika smiled evilly at her. * I swear it's the bloody rat's fault this isn't working. *

Red smiled as he put the roses in a vase with some water. They were pretty, dark red, and matched his eyes.

"Today is Valentine's Day, isn't it?"

Lance sighed. * Red, you are very, very oblivious… *

* * *

_Step 25: … Fine. Back to the romantic dinners_

"I thought you didn't have a job right now. Where are you getting the money to take me out to dinner every night?"

"Hmm," She looked up from the menu.

"Never mind, I really like this." Red went back to his ice cream sundae.

She gave him an innocent look. Her Clan _was _quite rich.

* * *

_Step 26: There will come a point when the importance of being earnest cannot be underestimated_

"If I didn't know better I would say you were in love with her!" Yellow fumed.

"Hmm?" Red asked.

"You two live together, you eat out every night, you cuddle up to her, and I bet you've even kissed!"

"Hey, my private life is my own business!" He frowned. "What's it to you?"

"You mean you do love her?"

"What? I didn't say that!"

"Then why won't you go out with me?"

"That would be _weird._ You're a boy too."

"… Red, you really are dense." Yellow sighed, wondering how he could still not have figured out her disguise.

* * *

_Step 27: So you __**finally**__ confront him about your feelings_

"Lance?"

"Yes?"

"Do you like me?"

"It wasn't clear?" She arched an eyebrow.

"Er! Not that! Do you love me? Oh that sounded stupid…"

"Mm, I think not."

"Why not- ah! Don't do that!" He blushed.

"Don't do what, Red?"

"Don't kiss me unless you mean it!"

"What if I do mean it, Red?"

"… Um…"

* * *

_Step 28: Just remember, it will all pay off in the end_

"Yes?"

"I…I… you…"

"Come on…"

"Fine! I think I am in love with you! Happy now?"

"Happy." Lance smirked as she glomped Red.

Pika glared at Dragonite.

Dragonite shrugged and then started throwing confetti.

"Kairyuu! We'd like some privacy now!"

_Fine, fine!_

* * *

END FIC

Completed 6/1/05

Edited 5/26/09

*Gives out hugs*

Lance: I'm going to kill you…

Phantomness: Why? I'm sorry this one wasn't humorous much.

Red: ^^()

Phantomness *runs offstage, followed by Lance and Red*

Well, I liked it! Hope you do too! And now that I have a job on top of summer school, updates will be a lot less frequent, kk?


End file.
